Adoption~Written in my journal on 3/28/13

Just a little forward to my journal entry, on 3/28/13... This journal documents events & my feelings about these events... Nothing I write or say, is meant to hurt anyone's feelings but sometimes that happens when you're trying to explain how your own personal feelings are... Just as long as you keep in mind, that any hurt is not intentional... Another note, when i refer to "my parents", I'm referring to my parents that adopted me... They have raised me since I was little... I call them Mom & Dad because that is who they are... Calling them anything else would be disrespectful, in my eyes... Hope ya'll enjoy my first journal entry... It took a LOT out of me, writing it that first night BUT I also felt energized/excited... Hopefully, by reading it & seeing how I have learned to deal with things & how I hurt myself, by holding some things in for so long, you can use it to help in your own lives...

I'm doing this for journal/blog for 2 reasons
1) To help myself, deal with anything that I haven't dealt with & to start a journey towards any healing that i need to do...
2) Hopefully, help at least one person with what I have gone through & learned through the years

Ok, here we go, it's time to begin...

"I was adopted about 2wks before my 4th birthday, in 1975... From what i've been told, my biological mother was 15yrs old when she had me... I've been told that my biological dad was 16yrs old... i was born in 1971... My biological mother married my step father when she was about 16yrs old & my sister was born... Later in life, I learned more of what all happened, before i was adopted, but that will come later... My biological father was not around for very long... Would love to find that side of the family someday, too... It would bring closure on where I came from, finally...

The day I was adopted, I didn't even know that I had a sister... Do to certain circumstances, we were adopted into separate families... What I do remember was living in a few different places but the last place I remember, I remember an older couple... I remember them telling me to come her cuz they had some good news to tell me... They both had tears in their eyes & the older man told me "You're going to have a new home AND a new mommy & daddy"... I remember being excited because they seemed like they were excited, in spite of their tears... For a long time, I thought they were foster parents... I no longer think that anymore... I believe that couple, in my memory, was my biological grandmother & her brother, my great uncle... I came to this conclusion, after meeting my biological grandma & her telling me more of what went on, before i was adopted...

Another story, that my parents told me about, that I talked about for quite awhile after they adopted me, was a strange one... I talked about my "green" mommy & my "black" daddy... Strange, huh? My parents even checked with the Nebraska Children's Home, that I was adopted out of... They were stumped as well & even said that none of the foster homes I had been in, were interracial... Even in the 70's, they automatically thought that was what i was referring too... I've thought about that story, for years... We kept in close contact with the Nebraska Children's Home throughout the years & the man who placed me with my family... Through him & through my biological mother's side of the family, some things were slowly pieced together... There was a major amount of physical abuse, by my step father... This is the conclusion, that I have come too... The "green" mommy was my biological mother, healing from the beatings... Bruises start out "black & blue" BUT turn a yellowish/green, as they heal... You can probably figure out who the "black" daddy was... My step father... He must've been in such a rage constantly, that i associated his whole image, as black, like storm clouds that scare us, as children... It was a few years ago, when that finally hit me... When it did, I just KNEW that had to be who I was talking about, all those years ago... When telling my parents this story, I had also talked about "my baby", too... Years later, we would find out that I had to have been talking about my baby sister... Years later, I found out that a lot of the abuse that i suffered was from trying to defend my biological mother from my step father... It makes a lot of sense now... All my life, I've been very protective of my loved ones... Sounds like that started at a VERY young age...

The day I met my "new" parents is a day, I will never forget... I had a paper grocery sack, remember those? In it, were my toys & clothes... If you remember those, you KNOW that for it to have toys & clothes in it, I didn't have a whole lot of possessions... I ran into the room whre they waited for me, dumped out my sack, punched my dad in the stomach, pulled his beard & said "Hi!" Quite the entrance, huh?

Ok, i'm done for tonight... Time to rest..."

Much Love & Respect,
Scrap Iron "Tattooed Preacher"